apocryphal_hope

Argh, new drama about old drama. I'm so confused.. I'm getting conflicting stories about something from a few years ago from two of my friends. I can see why one friend would lie to me and the other wouldn't.. but I can also see how it could be reversed.

When I was a little kid, I lied to my parents all the time. "Bethany, did you break this?" "No, Mama." "Bethany, did you eat the last cookie?" "No, Daddy." When, of course, I did break that and I did eat the last one. I don't really know exactly why I lied so much, but it got really bad for awhile. I wish I knew the reasoning behind it, even if only to know other people better (if not myself). Now that I'm grown, and having had that in my past, I absolutely LOATHE being lied to. Not that I don't still lie occasionally myself.. another one of my double standards. Regardless, I can't help but be bothered by it when I think someone's lying to me.

I'm going to ask one of the two friends what the deal is with the discrepancy, and rely on whatever answer I get to it. Maybe it's one of those situations where it was a lie (on either person's part) to protect my feelings or something. If that's the case, I think it's forgivable. If it's not, then it just plain sucks.

Yesterday was one of the best days I've had in a long time. Michael and I went for a drive up to Gatlinburg, and spent most of the day there. We walked around and window-shopped, had a bite for lunch.. but mostly, we talked. We talked about everything and anything, without a single argument or bickering. The weather was beautiful, too. All in all, it was a well-deserved daytrip for the both of us, as friends.

I feel a lot more hopeful about things now.

I feel a lot more trusting of Michael as a friend now, too.

We need more days like that.

Being single is a scary, bewildering, and just plain weird prospect for me. Having time to myself (eventually) as an unattached individual is equally weird, but not scary. I remember I did used to enjoy going to the movies, bookstore, grocery store, park.. anywhere.. by myself, way back when.

But, I will miss spooning. I'll miss occasional breakfasts in bed, I'll miss having the door opened to me sometimes when I arrive home from work or school. There's a lot more that I'll miss, more than I've realized yet.

I've wondered lately about a couple of people from the past.. Chris, who I haven't talked to in probably 2 years now, and who I suppose is still mad at me, or has forgotten me, or whatever; and Adam, who I've emailed a few times, with a response that's friendly enough.. and then we forget each other. I'm not sure what my reasoning is for "missing" these two guys, other than I guess subconsciously, I remember them making me happy at some point. But then, so did Michael.

It's hard to listen to Oasis' "Don't Go Away" - Adam and I jointly adored Oasis a decade ago, as part of our shared love for music (and each other, for a time). However, the lyrics to that song, and how they apply to my situation.. that's what makes it difficult. There are a lot of songs - isn't this always the way? - that I hear, and it applies to me and my life now, and it makes me sad. Nothing but sad. I guess with a divorce, there's a lot of inherent sadness.

So tired of being sad..

It's like a heavy glass piece - a candlestick holder, or a sculpture, or something - that has been dropped, and instantly cracks into two pieces. A clean break, so smooth and unflawed, you wonder how it's really possible to be that perfect.

My life has been severed into two halves, cleanly. It's still hard to believe, I'm still somewhat incredulous.

But I'm not wholly sad about it... it seems to be just what I tell others it is - "just one of those things."

So, the feeling has become mutual.

This past weekend, my husband of nearly eight years admitted to me that he feels, as do I, that our marriage isn't working anymore. We're still friends, and that's all we've ever really been good at.. the husband/wife thing hasn't been easy, and it's just too draining to carry on trying to force it to work when it won't.

That said, my life's in a bit of an upheaval now. I'd been waiting for this, counting on it at some point.. and now I've gotten what I expected, what I wanted, I guess. I can't help but feel like a huge failure, that I was given a chance and a wonderful opportunity, and I blew it. But, at the same time, so many other people have a first marriage that fails, and I feel a certain amount of safety with being in that number.

I don't know what the timeframe is for moving out, divorce papers, etc. I don't know whether to keep my current last name, or revert to my maiden name. I don't think I want a roommate, I just need to be alone for awhile, probably. A lot of unknowns, which I'm not at all used to. I do know that I want to make some changes in other areas of my life - my job, school, my health, friendships. So many things could use improvement, so perhaps this 'break' in things will clean my slate a little, and let me focus on some other things.

I still feel like a loser, though.

mantra (n.) - A sacred verbal formula repeated in prayer, meditation or incantation, such as an invocation to God or a syllable or portion of scripture containing mystical potentialities.

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I never really thought of myself as an angry person before. I know I can have a really short temper sometimes, and fly off the handle when it's not entirely appropriate. This morning, however, I was mean and mad for no reason whatsoever -- I was just angry.

I wonder what I'm angry about? I think a lot of the world is a disappointment, people can really let me down sometimes.. but nothing has happened recently as far as that goes. I'm not very happy with myself, especially physically; but that's kind of a given, so I can't really be upset about it more than usual.. it's always latently bothering me.

The shame of me apparently being an angry person, is that I take it out on people I shouldn't. Particularly at home. I've decided to try using a mantra, so that when I'm aggravated over something and about to open my mouth, I can say my mantra a few times, and see if it helps.

Maybe something like..
"Stay calm, it's okay."
or..
"Be cool, bitch, be cool."

Something to work on, I guess :) At any rate, there is a lot in my life I should be happy about. Granted, there are also several things I should be miserable about.. I have the tendency (inherited from my mother) to push those things to the back of my mind and ignore them. They never go away, but they're out of my mind for awhile, anyway.

On a different note, it totally blows my mind that I can see signs that I'm getting older when I look at different parts of my body. My hands kind of look older.. my eyes are getting a little crinkly, and of course, my early-onset middle-age spread isn't going away anytime soon, either. :P I've signed up for fitday.com again, to *try* to track my calories, fat, etc. each day.. it's really hard to keep up with, but I'll give it a shot. I guess I should also get back on my Metformin, since that will probably help me lose weight. I just dread going back to the doctor.. it's always the same uncomfortable crap, and all that waiting. It just sucks... a necessary evil, I guess. Anyway, I'll put it off for as long as I can. I've been eating junk food a LOT lately, so I'm inclined to get back to eating more fresh foods again. If there's anything I really hate in life, it's this vicious cycle I go through - initially, I'm fine with my weight and physique, I don't care if I'm overweight; suddenly, I have a flash of thought, and I want to drop everything and go vegetarian/organic/raw; I get tired of that, so back to not caring.. and so on. It's just part of who I am, I guess.

I think I overreact to things sometimes. I feel like I bring a lot of drama on myself, and others. I wonder why I do this.. why can't I be content and complacent with things as they are?

It's like my health.. I know I'm not in shape, I know I'm morbidly obese, and I smoke, and I don't take the maintenance drugs I'm supposed to. So.. I know all this, but I don't do anything. Why can't I just get my ass into gear and exercise - eat better - quit smoking?

There's a whole day ahead of me that I could spend picking on myself and my faults, and trying to justify why I let my life go as I do. But I won't take that time.. there are plenty of good things in my life that make me happy, so I'll let those take precedence.

There are four major things in my life I would like to change:
- Get healthy
- Be happy in my marriage
- Have children
- Find a place for religion

I'm always so attracted to the scientific, agnostic minds I meet - I admire their intelligence, and their unwavering stance on what they believe. But I also feel like maybe, because of the fact that I've abandoned faith and religion for so long, that it's why my life isn't as I want it. Maybe if I put religion into my life, then it would help me get healthy, be happy in my marriage, and even have children.

Or maybe that's just me falling into the "religion trap" - if I'm good, God will reward me; since I'm bad, God is making me miserable.

This will require more investigation..

Survived the weekend with little to no stress. This led me to the decision to list as many things I can think of that make me happy lately:

* It's finally autumn.
* Halloween is soon, and may actually be fun again this year.
* I'm not failing either of my classes, and am doing reasonably well in them
* Playing pub trivia every Sunday for the past 3 weeks (and winning last night! we each got $10, minus $1 that we pay to play, so $9 free!)
* Having Tiffany back in my life as a friend, and seeing Michael's spirits lifted by the same.
* Rico the Betta Fish is still alive, after living with me for about 5 months now. A nice surprise, for both of us I'm sure!
* Keeping my job as co-host of the weekly radio show I've been doing at the college station. I really, really love doing that.
* I have so many new friends and acquaintances, it would take more than the fingers on both hands to count them all! [that's a first, in my life]
* My car just ticked over to 100,000 miles, and it still runs.
* Chris, my brother-in-law, is coming to visit us - 2 months from today, he'll be here. We haven't seen him in a long, long time.
* Getting a paycheck every 2 weeks.
* Being fairly healthy again, all things considered.
* I'm now in the last half of this fall semester at school.. only a couple of months left now. That's DEFINITELY an exciting one, for me!
* Both my parents are healthy and doing okay, as are Michael's.
* Since we don't have money to spend on Xmas presents, there's no worry about finding a bunch of "cool" stuff for Michael for gifts, and the same goes for him.

Things I look forward to:
- Finishing this fall semester, and hopefully getting a few classes for spring.
- Paying off the loan on my car in another few months, maybe.
- Having the balance on our credit card be below $3000 soon (hopefully)
- Chris being here for a couple of weeks.
- Getting off work at 7 tonight.. only 8 more hours to go {well, 7 hours if you take out my hour lunch}
- Being able to deejay more in December, once UTK is on its fall break.
- Taking vacation time while Chris is here - I'll basically get an entire week off of work, plus the holiday days, too.

Well, I feel a little happier now. Cool. :)

My head is buzzing. I'm now wondering, was a huge ice cream cone for lunch a good idea afterall?

The weather outside is beautiful, reminding me once again of why it is that I love October better than any other month. For the record, weather.com says it's currently sunny and 61 degrees F. Blue skies, and technicolor autumn leaves glowing wherever you look... beautiful.

I'm getting a little preoccupied with death and mortality again here lately.. mydeathspace.com and the 'Recent Deaths' page on wikipedia.org just seem so *interesting*. I'm 28 years old, soon to be 29 - it feels strange, at this age, to still be unsure what my lot in life should be. I don't feel very accomplished, but I do have small things in my life that make me happy, that I consider achievements in their own way.

Ambition is sort of elusive - I want to do a lot, and have a lot.. but I don't want to work too terribly hard for it. It irritates me that I'm so lazy, because I abhor laziness in other people. One of my many hypocrisies, but we're all human anyway.

2.25 hours left of work for me at the moment. I really need a nap, this buzzing in my brain just won't stop. I feel a little nauseous as well.. again, perhaps WAY too much ice cream (and pumpkin, at that - not exactly something I'm used to).

There's a huge hole in my sweater, right at the collar line. I love this sweater, this fuzzy old gray sweater. It's very comforting.. strange how something as everyday as an article of clothing can affect my mood and emotional well-being. Was there acid in the ice cream? Yeesh..